On one hand, I have the dilemma of reacting to Raj Thackeray, and, on the other, of dealing with the Profashionals (P). Its been four years since I am on this land of the great Maratha whom I call home. With no intentions of going bac I have decided to give my everything to this place which gave me the most beautiful and ugliest days of my life. And I am just 21 still.
Dear P, even after four years of sincere and honest friendship, I dont know where I faltered as you still dont consider me a part of you. Everyday and every moment I have to fight to prove my connection to you and every single moment of the fight I m reminded of my non-inclusion in the group.
I am hurt beyond repair and left with no choice. I am a Mumbaikar and more than that a part of you but somehow you dont realise that and hurt me time and again. Now, I can feel how it feels to be in the no man's land.
After four years, I still belong to nowhere. I hope those who are not with us anymore atleast felt that I was a part of their lives. Coz I owe my life to all of you no matter what you feel about me.
SHUBHASHISH
Friday, 15 February 2008
In No Man's Land
Thursday, 14 February 2008
FUCK GOD
People say that time is the best healer... I defer.
People say that destiny is in your hands... I defer.
People say that be the change to change... I still defer.
Its been an year now... what has time healed? Nothing. As the day is progressing, my soul is shivering, my mind is not at peace and my body is giving up on me. Its getting harder to control tears. I cant face the day, the memories, the bodies, the death and the sorrow.
I have only one prayer to make..
Dear God,
Fuck you for giving me a life which is of no use for I couldnt help my friends fight death.
Fuck you for making us so weak and helpless that we look up to you for help every moment in our lives.
Fuck you for being the 'super power'
and,
Finally, fuck you for being God.
If there is someone who is the biggest coward on the face of humanity. its you. Fuck you for always not-being-there.
FUCK YOU.
SHUBHASHISH
Saturday, 5 January 2008
Suffering is happiness, backwards
Being a holiday, i normally don't enjoy the luxury of being at home and lazing... today, was one such memorable day! A late start to my morning, the sun's rays peeping into my room, straight into my eyes, screaming about the pleasure they were extracting from devouring my pleasured sleep. I had to give up. I don't think i enjoy anything more than a lazy, slow and aimless day... But today, still was different as i had work to do. This world in which we live in is excruciating to the plight to a young 21-something guy who doesn't know tad abut taxes but since, he is earning peanuts has to pay the nut in taxes with the shell remaining for him to savour!
Well, this was the start to my beautiful day! file the PAN application. I went to the same road which led to a place which gave me the most beautiful and precious gift of my life and took away the same too, my college. If given a chance i would never go back to the place but alas, I had to as the courier shop and the cyber cafe for print-outs was around that area. Its almost been a year since i went back to my college, the road to nostalgia was long, tricky and teary. I was confused with the choice of emotions i had at hand. I was cheerful yet sad, I was intrigued yet detached. There were many people in an around the campus whom i knew, who never changed places and whom i could say confidently, that they know me.
The air got heavier as i entered the premises. At once my inner-voice commanded me to go back but i continued staring at the vulnerable and content faces of students who were doing exactly what i did for three years. Sometimes i do feel strange for the fact that everyone, at different stages of their lives perform the same old activities going on for decades, or may be centuries. Girls were gossiping and bursting into sudden bursts of laughter, guys checking-out hotties and trying to make a conversation and making a fool out of themselves! Its a vicious circle i must say.
Amidst the crowd i sensed that i was suffering. And precisely then, words of Shantaram hammered through my head - suffering is happiness, backwards.
I was happy reliving the memories for those few seconds in the hell gates that i mustered the courage to enter. And I was happy that the place once was a synonym for heaven and life. The memories are few and affable, not enough for me to last my lifetime but has anyone left me with any other option?
Today, I don't see myself different from the poor living in the inhuman conditions in slums. Living at my fourth floor apartment with the luxuries of being educated and responsible, is haunting me to death. I have always longed to be alone, aloof and distant from people. God never heard me then and I was surrounded with people. Now, when I wanted to be with friends, when i actually understood how it felt to be cared and loved by friends, when i actually realised the meaning of friendship and loved the company, God suddenly decided to listen to my prayers.
In silent tears i feel the guilt of my prayers and my love of loneliness. In light sobbing, i realise the true value of my flesh that is cut and thrown of mercilessly and in dark nights i fancy the wild imagination of the best days of my life. I have sailed through the happy times and now, i m living backwards.
Friday, 4 January 2008
Denied the right to make money!
Google has denied me the right to make money. The reason - I did not give them my full name. Well, what i gave them was Shubhashish and what they want as a 'full' name is the last name too.
Now, when the government of India has no problem in me dropping my last name what problem does Google has? It is beyond my comprehension. Also, this is a straight attack on my RIGHT TO EXPRESS. My name is solely on my descretion and no Google can tell me what it should be. This kind of silly and immature on their part and something needs to be done about this.
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