The day I went looking for you

The day I went looking for you
It was dark and I don't understand shadows
But I still went looking for you

I thought the love was strong enough
To rip through the darkness
Radiating light sacred only to me
My eyes gleaming with hope

But it wasn't meant to be
Wish I had studied physics
For miracles don't happen
And shadows don't come out after dark

But I still had hope
And I found you
In the shadows of my own self
so close, yet so far...

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Do you know I am a Dalit?

Do you know I am a Dalit?

I read a story in the Times of India today. Although I hardly react to the whims and fancies of journalists and their point of views, this one has made me to write this.

The story talks about how Dalit students in IITs and IIMs have committed suicide, no suicide notes have been found and how this Dalit was told that he is not needed in the AIIMS hostel.

Thankfully, I, too, have passed college. There were Dalit students in my class. But do I know if they were Dalits? No. Do I care of they were? No. Would have I cared if they told me? No.

But how do you know if the guy you are talking to is Dalit? The question to be asked should be how does it matter if the other guy is a Dalit or a Brahmin or one of the million other castes in this country?

The former question is the one thats asked, always.

People tend to find out or judge you by your surname. I remember, as early as in my first standard I was asked about my caste. The question did not come from my teachers but from fellow 6 year olds. Their questions always met with blank stares from me. I could never understand what they were asking or what they meant by "caste". As a rehearsed script they would then ask, "Whats your surname?" "Chaudhri or Nichani," I replied depending upon that three year period which i dont remember now exactly where I changed from Ashish Chaudhri to Shubhashish Nichani.

"oh, you are a Sindhi or a Punjabi," came the reply depending upon what I said back then. I still stared blankly trying to thinking what purpose would this solve for a fellow 6 year old?

Nevertheless, it made me think. What is my caste? Why is it so important? Why can't I tell what the other guy's caste is just by knowing his name?

The answer I found in the way I was brought up. My mother never mentioned caste, creed or any other way profiling that Indians boast of.

Probably, i thought, she did not know herself or never thought it's important to tell me. It was the former. I came to know this when my dad passed away of a heart attack this February. The priest asked for the gotra to perform his last rights. I looked towards my mother for an answer. She was as blank as I.

Ultimately the priest decided we were some high caste Hindus and finished the rituals. I don't even remember what gotra he decided for us.

I don't understand castes because my mother doesn't because her parents never gave her this important lesson of being an Indian.

Today, I am Shubhashish. And I am always asked what my surname is? "I don't have a surname," I reply and climb up the weird-chart by leaps out of bound even for Lady Gaga.

I remember my school's principal once asking if I fell from the sky as I don't have a last name. My application for passport was rejected twice because the last name field was blank. The IT dept refused to give me a PAN card without knowing my surname.

Amidst all this, I am glad that I am Shubhashish. A punjabi with a Bengali name, born in a small town of Faridabad, living in Mumbai.

What's my caste? I don't know. My mother supported me when I decided to drop my last name. That's all I know.

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Celebration

Celebration

It's that time of the year again
When I suffer thorough pain

I PMS on life
The relation is rife
Something is still strife
Yes, that's my prize. 

It's like a pack of ice
On my heart 
Its still a vice
A mistake on my part. 

I am turning into a loon
This life, a balloon 
Waiting to burst
The pin has the thirst. 

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I wanted to call you last night..

I wanted to call you last night..
Thought I would share my plight.
Why you, I swear, I don’t know
But I think of you when I am low

What’s the plight I don’t show
But, I am used to you, you know
In an instinct I picked up the phone
broke-down. Yes, I am prone

Mustered up, dialed your number
Maybe I was coming out of my slumber
and that’s when my hands froze
Soulless I am, like this song without a prose

I stayed put losing time and losing mind
Putting myself through the grind
Couldn't sleep, I picked up my guitar
Sang, 'The door to my heart is ajar'

All I know is that I sang like a crow
Hiding what I feel, trying not the show
Even the guilt slowly gave up on me
Its time to come to terms with my destiny.

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Why just the ring?

Why just the ring?

Please take back all the memories, the good and the bad.
The pain. The times when you were sad.

The times when you stood by me and the times when you didn't.
The times when I stood by you and the times i didn't.

The fun we never had and the fun you miss now.
All the times I tried, and how.

The laughter, the dreams, the love, the fights, the time that we shared and the time we were supposed to.
All the things that you wanted, and all the things I wanted for you.

The ring is still in it's place. I have jumped in the sea.
Fish it out, please feel free.

Please take it all. Please take it all.
I have gills to breathe now.

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How Happy I am

How happy I am
now that it has rained
Its all so green
drenched clean
the roads are wider
the girls look prettier
the rum more inviting
the pick up more exciting

but no matter how happy I am now
I miss the times I was sad
I miss the pain
the self inflicted suffering
the feeling of being nothing
and a nobody
i miss feeling low
i miss being the fool
i miss the names you called me
I miss the times I was with you

the pain is gone, you are too
i know i could've taken some more
and then some,
you must've had a reason
you called me the devil
the tears are there
but i don't cry
my eyes don't need cleansing
neither does my soul.
i should be happy
with so much peace of mind
wider roads
prettier girls
so why do i miss you
and why is life saying
fuck you?


Written by Shubhashish and Manisha Lakhe.

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Mirror

"I want to be wrong, too."

I have heard it all along. Throughout the time. Day and night.


And I gave in every time. Battling my past. Fighting my future and compromising with my present.

Your fragile self that never existed, that temper that was forced out of you.

Your wishes that never saw the day light. And your luxuries that remained dreams unfulfilled, promised otherwise.

Yes, you understood me fully. I was a mirror of your own self.

When you looked deep in me, all you saw was yourself. How you hated yourself. How you loved yourself.

And with the mission to change me for a better life, all you tried was to change yourself.

I was your mirror.

Its broken. The dream, the sleep, the dawn and the mirror.

For, I have failed to be what you wanted me to.

The mirror in me that you never saw and believed that it was me. All along.

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Hasn't the match-fixing allegations dampened our cricket watching experience?

When was the last time a nail-biter that went, as Shastri usually says, down to the wire, satisfied you to the core? Didn't the thought that the match could be fixed cross your mind? And if it did, the match still engrossed you as its suppose to?

Match-fixing has been the darkest period for cricket and it continues to haunt us. And to me, the whole experience of watching cricket is somewhat ruined. Not because I believe in those "bookie" messages, but, simply because someone is trying to influence my love for the game.

I got a message during the India-Australia quarter-final. It said that Australia will bat first, score 270+, Ponting will score above 50, India will lose wickets but will win by 5 wickets and Sachin will score a hundred. How much of it is true and how much is close to what actually happened, we all know. Doesn't this doubt your love for the game?

Next match. India-Pakistan. Message says that Pakistan will bat first, score above 300 and India will chase it. Didn't go this way but then, every ball that was bowled, I watched with a sense of cynicism.

The grand-finale, too, had its own hits and misses but by now, I was seriously contemplating to make this "bookie" my astrologer. You know, bribing god to get the odds in my favour. :)

I still don't believe that the matches were fixed but there are a large number of messages that are circulated during the matches that clearly makes an impact.


Every nail biter is looked upon suspiciously as if it was fixed to perfection for the photo-finish. And every loss in such a great game is definitely bribed.

Somewhere, the integrity of the people watching the game is deeply compromised and going by the looks of it, I don't think it will be repaired in a long long time.

Well, unless Pakistan stops dropping 4 catches of a single player in one match alone, that too, a World Cup semi-final.

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3G

Its here.

Is the hoopla justified? I have been drooling over 3G for a long time and that's the reason why all my phones over the past 2 years have been 3G enabled, in anticipation of a data revolution that is supposed to hit us.

And now I have been on the 3G network for the past 12 hours. The excitement though, was short lived and I have been the fool at the end of it.

Since I am a Vodafone India customer, let me share my experience solely with respect to Vodafone. Step 1: the activation. Although its a soft launch and customer can experience 3G at the regular 2G prices till its officially rolled out, I was happy to get it. Vodafone said that 3G will be activated within 24 hours and I was very happy when they did it within 9 hours. Probably, the highest point of the 3F experience and has been a downhill ever since. More so, that I have already moved back to my EDGE network, just 12 hours into 3G eight of which were spent sleeping.

I am a BlackBerry customer with unlimited internet plan but Vodafone asked me to activate its internet service called Vodafone Mobile Connect to use 3G. What it means? I have already paid for internet through by BB plan but for 3G I am supposed to pay more. Mind you it is not unlimited even, download charges are exorbitant. A rental of Rs199 and download charges of 5p/10kb.

So, I have two internet plans on my phone.

Video streaming (Youtube, etc) on my EDGE network has been working fairly well with no buffer time. Full marks to Vodafone.

The main idea for me to get 3G was live TV. Vodafone has a Vodafone 3G service listed under its 3G services and asks customers to sms TV to 111 to get it. Charges are duly specified.

To my surprise, and this is where the problems began, when I tried to download Vodafone TV, it said that I must have Vodafone Live to do so. Vodafone Live is the most basic internet plan which let's you surf only wap sites through your phone. Can you explain this, Voda?

So, to try Vodafone TV, even after getting 3G and paying through the nose I have to get another basic internet service and pay rent for that too. Mind you again, data charges are excluded.

Icing on the cake was when Voda said that activating Vodafone Live will take 24 hours. So I can't download Vodafone TV till then.

3G is being wasted till then and my BB plan is working on 3G, surpassing the unlimited BB plan that I have paid for.

I downloaded SPB TV to experience the live TV!

This is where the biggest disappointment came and you can please check and let me know if you face the same issue or did it work flawlessly on your phone.

SPB TV did not work on my 3G service. When I tried to use it over WiFi at my home, it worked as smoothly as Kim Kardashian's ass. It did. And please don't ask me how I know the smoothness of her ass, really.

I am thoroughly disappointed by Vodafone and its no good 3G service.

As for me, I hope I am able to catch the Cricket World Cup on Vodafone TV if it is downloads and works well. Beyond that, 3G is useless for me.

Back to my unlimited EDGE or 2G BB internet plan.

Thank you.

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Culinary disaster

I am not much of a foodie but when I eat I like to eat good food. Sunday is one such day when I like to be served good food.

Entire week is spent in acts paramount for survival and I get just this day to eat to me heart's content.

Unfortunately, I don't remember the last time I ate good food on this weekly holiday.

Can't express by displeasure as I don't cook myself. Wanting to be served and that too with the preferences that I have, I will surely be kicked out of the home.

But, is this good enough for me to start cooking my own food?

I don't think so. Laziness surrounds me and also, restaurants in Mumbai do serve some good scrumptious meals.

Waiting for the day when I would be able to afford them :)

Adios!

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